Unexpected
by Tonks32
Summary: When Nathan finally got the chance to face his Father's killer he was shocked that it wasn't Fergus he was looking at. Facing the new Warden Commander brings up hidden feelings he had kept secret since he was sixteen. yes I did a Nate/Cousland story!
1. Chapter 1

Whatever Aeryn was expecting when she started out her day it wasn't this. From the moment Vigil's Keep was in seeing distance things just went south. The keep was over run by hordes of darkspwan, the Wardens from Orlais all but wiped out, and to top it off the Maker threw in a talking darkspawn. Now after fighting for nearly ten hours straight, Aeryn had a moment to absorb everything and figure out where the hell to start now. The Keep was in bad shape thanks to the mad dwarf's, whom she forgot his name, bomb. Though it had saved their arses at the time it was proving to be a major headache now. The blast had rattled the Keep's foundation and Sergeant Maverlies was very forthcoming in the news that even more darkspawn where now coming in from the basement.

The small band was taken care of but it left just another task to handle. How by the Maker's light did they found a way from the deep road without being noticed? Rubbing her throbbing temple, the warden lowered herself on the Keep steps needing a moment to herself. Her muscles ached, her armor was in need of repairs, and she desperately found herself needing her best friend. Thinking of Alistair had tears burning the back of her throat because no amount of wishing and hoping would ever make that possible.

The stupid bastard had to go be a bloody hero and make the final blow to the Archdemon. They argued about it in the middle of all the blood and horror and Aeryn was so sure that she had done a damn fine job in convincing the Templar that he was needed. That Ferlden needed him bring peace to their homeland. His reply was then his first and last act as king would be to end the blight and there for be one step closer to the peace she spoke of. Then Alistair gave her a long searing kiss, their last one, shoved her out of the way so unexpectedly she didn't have any hope of stopping him. So she watched helplessly as the man she loved deliver the final blow destroy the archdemon and taking his life in the process. What he didn't know, or couldn't, was that it took hers as well.

"Warden Commander."

Taking on last long breath, Aeryn looked up at the young private, "Yes?"

The woman shifted slightly unsure of herself in the presence of the new Commander. "There is a prisoner that you may want to talk to."

The warden was hoping for some further explanation and nearly threw up her hands in defeat when she got nothing else, "A prisoner? Why would this need my attention when there are dozen of wounded soldiers that need to be tended to and bodies that need to be buried?"

"Because it took four Wardens to capture this man and then the attack happened."

This peeked Aeryn's interest, "Four Wardens?"

"Yes Ser."

"Well I guess I should go and have a word with him." She concluded searching for Anders and Oghren.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Nathaniel heard the footsteps but made no really effort to stand up. He was too deep in memories to be bothered with more questions. Growing up he used to find himself in this very cell either playing a game of hide and seek with his siblings or teaching himself how to pick to locks. Now for the first time he saw it for what it really was. A prison. He was a prisoner in his own home. How was that for irony? Well it seemed like the Maker was just giving him the understanding of it when he watched his father's killer come into view. No matter the time apart, Nathaniel recognized those eyes anywhere. They had haunted his dreams since he was sixteen. Yes it defiantly ironic that the one woman his father had hoped he would marry at one point was responsible for taking his life.

Aeryn's eyes sharpened with recognition as she approached cell barely registering anything that the guard was saying. Out of the people in Ferelden why did it have to be him? The panic slipped out as soon as fast as it entered when he leveled his gaze to hers and Rendon Howe eyes stared back at her. "Leave us." She commanded and was a bit surprised when the guard handed her the key with out any protest. It was just another reminder that no matter how scary it was, she was in charge here.

"Ah, my father's murderer decides to grace me with her presence. Funny, I had expected you to stand ten feet tall and have lightning shooting out of your eyes." Nathaniel spoke breaking through her concentration. Slowly, he pulled himself to his feet his gaze traveling to a point over her shoulder not trusting himself to actually look at her face. Maybe then he would find this all a bad dream of some sort. He had been thinking the same thing over again and again hoping that one day he would wake up and believe it. When he learned that a Cousland had murdered his father, Nathaniel couldn't make himself believe it.

Fergus had been as close to a brother as Thomas was. Nathaniel remembered spending months at a time at Highever chasing Fergus through the halls and rolling in the mud just because it was forbidden at his own home. In spending so much time there he had became close friends with Aeryn, even though most time he brushed her off as his best friend's little sister. So what happened to make his family's closest friends not only turn but murder his father? After being handed this information he turned around and caught wind that it was in fact his father her attacked Highever first, but Nathaniel just brushed that off. His father would have had no reason to do that in the first place.(denial: not just a river in Egypt)

Aeryn braced her hands against the metal bars with a slight curve of her lips, "I never seemed to master that little talent." She whispered and finally his gaze met hers and it felt she had been bashed upside the head with a shield. Maker, the warden silently prayed, give me strength to do this.

The first thing he realized that time had changed her. Nathaniel remembered the red hair girl that would chase him and Fergus wielding a toy sword. She always seemed to just have this light of laughter in her crystal blue eyes and a youthful look about her he couldn't explain. Now that was all gone. Aeryn Cousland was no longer a girl, but a woman. Her crystal eyes were dark and weathered by stress and horrors of the last year. Her face was hard, still beautiful, but had no youth left in it. The sad thing was she could be more than twenty and two years. Nathaniel clenched his jaw trying it ignore the uncertain feelings in the bit of his stomach. "I never pegged you as a killer, Aeryn."

There was so much bitterness behind her name that she winced before recovering and putting on her best defense. She was the Warden Commander now. Aeryn had to remain and stay calm at all times, even when ghost of her past were thrown in her face. "You don't know the whole story." He couldn't and still think that she killed him out of cold blood.

Nathaniel smiled at her in disbelief, "I know that a Gray Warden killed my father in cold blood-."

Aeryn slammed her hands against the bars hard enough she felt it bite into her skin. "Your father betrayed my family. During the dead of night he and his men tore through Highever and slaughtered my family and everyone else in the walls."

"So you say

"So I know!" Aeryn snapped, "I was there!"

Silence filled the room.

"What are you doing here?" She finally asked after some time.

"I meant to set a trap for you, to kill you and avenge my family." Nathaniel confessed and to her credit she remained exactly in the same spot. It would take a hell of a lot more than that to get under her skin it seemed. "However, as I lay in wait, I realized that all I really wanted was something tangible of my family, something to remember them by."

"What will you do if I let you go?" Aeryn asked drained of all energy. She just wanted to curl up in a bed and pull the covers over her head and pretend that none of this was happening.

Nathaniel was puzzled by the question. Was she being serious? Or was she just trying to get a rouse out of him. "I-I don't know." He confessed, "I would come back and this time your guards won't catch me."

Aeryn caught herself before she could laugh, "You're not making a convincing argument for yourself."

"Why should I even bother? You killed my father and most likely can't wait for them to tie the noose around my neck for me to join him."

"I defeated the Archdemon, Nathanieliel. You are certainly more than welcome to try to finish it's job if you like." Aeryn heard the door open and knew she had to make a choice. Hang him, let him go, or conscript him into the gray wardens. The decision should be easy but she didn't want to condemn him to death for something he had no part in.

Varel glanced at the warden before sparing a glance at the prisoner. "Well if it isn't a Howe." He tucked his tongue in his cheek waiting for Andres and Oghren to finally join them. The Seneschal didn't miss the look of distress on both their faces. It was well known that once the Howes and Couslands were great friends and allies. What Varel wanted to know was there any history between these two particular members. "I heard we hard time capturing this one. Many would like to see him hang seeing how it seems unfit that he was protected by these bars while so many good men died during the attack."

Aeryn had no doubt they were already preparing the noose. All she had to do was give the order to put him in it. "Would you like to know what the last thing your father said to me was?" She waited, but Nathaniel didn't react. "I told him that I was going to slit the throats of his wife and daughter so he died knowing my pain. Is response ' Isn't that precious? Is this where I lament the monster I helped create? Let me show you how it's done: I made your mother kiss my feet before she died, it was the last thing your father saw. '

Nathaniel's face remained emotionless, "So you're here to make good on that promise since I'm the last Howe left? Do I have you to thank for the death of my brother and sister?"

"No I realized that after that my anger was towards him, none of you." Aeryn shoved the key into its slot, "Give him his family's things and let him go."

"What!" Everyone spoke the single word at the same time.

"I don't think any of you have problems with your hearing." Aeryn mutter opening the cell and then unshackling Nathaniel from the wall.

"Commander are you insane?" Oghren asked, "You told me what that father of his did. How can you just let him go? Do you like the fact you will be looking over your shoulder expecting death everyday? Did losing that babbling Templar of yours make you suicidal?"

Thinking of Alistair at such a time had tears flooding her eyes. After taking a moment to make sure they didn't fall, the rouge turned back to the three men, "This man is not Rendon Howe. He shall not be punished for crimes that he did not commit. In return I hope he may learn that I did not kill his father out of some sick pleasure. That I had no other choice."

Nathaniel was aware that all eyes were on him as he moved to the chest where his stuff was being held. He had expected death the moment he was captured and told that the Warden Commander would be deciding his fate. If the roles were reversed Nathaniel was sure that he would have done such a thing. Well it looked like one thing hadn't changed, Aeryn Cousland was still unpredictable.

Andres was the first to speak after Varel escorted Nathaniel from the room. "You know Commander I think you may regret this one."

She rubbed the bridge of her nose, "Well if I do, I grant you permission to do a little I told you so dance around my body." She glanced to the dwarf, "Are you both ready for the joining? With any luck I'll finally get rid of you two and get some peace."

Oghren grinned behind his beard, "It's going to take a lot more then that Commander."

"I know." Aeryn glanced at the empty cell wondering if she had made the right choice. She hoped that when she saw her parents in the fade again they wouldn't disapprove of her act.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Aeryn made it back to her chambers just before dawn in desperate need of a few hours of sleep. She was all to happy to finally strip herself of her armor, carelessly dropping them as she made her way through to room to her things. It all arrived the day before the attack and some how managed to be untouched. Making a mental list of things she would need, Aeryn pulled out a pair of riding breeches and froze when she picked up a familiar tunic.

Swamped with emotions, Aeryn pressed her nose to the fabric still amazed that Alistair's smell still lingered. After the defeat of the Archdemon she escaped to that last place they had been which was the bedchamber they shared. Crying and broken heart, She mindlessly picked through the room until she found the shirt that had be carelessly discarded because they had been in such a rush to make love the night before. It was that moment, breathing in his scent and remembering that it truly hit her that he was gone.

Aeryn blinked away the memory but couldn't stop the tears. Everyone said time would heal and that one day she would move on and find another to love. It had been over a year and she still couldn't think of him with out being on the verge of tears. No she was sure that they were all wrong. She didn't think of herself capable of loving some one they way she did Alistair.

Sighing, she placed the tunic on the bed and dressed. Aeryn was careful in removing the one piece of jewelry she wore. A leather strap was around her neck that held her parents wedding rings and a pendant that held a single bud of a rose Alistair had given her. Out of everything she owned or had been given in her travels, these few things were her most priced possessions. They never were far from her grasp because they were the last things she owned of the people she loved and lost.

"I could really use you here." She spoke caressing the pendant with her thumb. "I need you to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. That I'm doing everything that I can to rebuild the order. I need to be sure that I didn't just sign my life away by letting Nathaniel go. That maybe some where deep inside there's that friend I knew so long ago."

The stillness was her only reply.

To tired to care anymore, Aeryn climbed into bed and fell into the fade with her face pressed to Alistair's shirt. Come morning she would face what needed to be done. Even if that meant having to kill Nathaniel Howe for something he had no part of.

O0o0o0o0o0o

Nathaniel watched the dawn break over the keep from his perch about league away well hidden by the deep brush of the woods. He had made it to the shore ready to catch any boat that lead far away from here, but something pulled him back. Why would she just let him go? It was only one of the many thoughts cluttering his mind. Nathaniel tried to convince himself that it wasn't thinking of Aeryn Cousland that made him lose sleep, only her choice to let her go. However, every time he tried to close his eyes he would see the red head Cousland smiling at him with eyes that held so much wisdom and age beyond what she really was. Nathaniel noticed, against his better judgment, that she did finally grow into them.

"Stop." He scowled at himself taking another lose branch to widdle it down. This would make number ten. All the memories of that girl were dead. All his feelings, both childish and none, had to be buried away. There should be nothing left inside him but hatred for Aeryn Cousland.

_But if she is the monster you think then why did she let you go? _Plagued by the thoughts again, Nathaniel shoved to his feet in a need to pace. Maybe, just maybe, his father's death was his own doing. Maybe Thomas did actually just die in the battle with out any Cousland interference. If Aeryn truly killed his father for selfish reason Nathaniel was sure he'd be hanging by now. He had to go back if only to get that piece of mind before following through on his threat and bringing back his family name.

Frowning, Nathaniel jammed his knife back into its sheath. Fist he would shadow her for a few days and see what conclusion he could come up with on his own before he went back there. Then hopefully Nathaniel could banish any thought of Aeryn from his mind for good. What ever he felt towards her at one point couldn't be anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

Well things were going swimmingly. Aeryn hacked at a log,taking out on her frustrations and anger on the inanimate object before she hurt somebody. In one week of being Warden Commander and Arlessa of Amaranthinem she lost one recruit to the joining and managed to piss of a few nobles during the Oaths of Fealty enough to have a conspiracy for her head. This one had nothing to do with the threat of Nathanieliel Howe walking free. So all in all things were just _peachy_. She found herself having a whole new respect for her mother, who juggled being both a Teyrna and mother with such graceful ease.

"Dammit" Thinking of her mother had Aeryn slamming the hatchet so hard it splintered the handle. She had to stop being so damn emotional. Emotions made a person weak.

"_No, they are what make you human."_

She closed her eyes against the memory of Wynne's voice. But she could still hear the mage as if she was standing next to her. The memories flooded her before she even had the chance to stop it.

"_Yes, after everything you've been through you could cut yourself off from everything and everyone. Going through your life numb and cold as if you're already in the Fade. Or you can continue to be the woman we've all seen." The mage's face softened as she stopped Aeryn from stalking off across the camp. "Because that is what makes you a great leader and Warden."_

_"No, it makes me weak." She argued glancing at Alistair who was being tended to by Lelianna by his bed roll. It was emotions that made her react with out thinking and nearly got them all killed. The only thing she cared about was getting to Alistair before he lost too much blood. Now they all came back injured._

"_Don't ever think that." Wynne's voice snapped at her drawing back the young woman's attention. "If you think that then Rendon Howe_ _has truly won. Do not let him take that away from you as well."_

_Aeryn gestured to the wounded Warden, "If I wasn't conflicted about my feelings for Alistair I wouldn't have acted so rashly. I could have gotten us all killed. If I let my emotions get the best of me worse things could happen."_

_Wynne's eyes lit up with a small smile, "You can do great things." She corrected. "It's not just Alistair you've come to care for, my dear. All of us have a place in the heart you can't deny. Somehow we've become a family instead of just warriors on a quest. We all would risk our lives for each other."_

_Aeryn sighed, burying her face in her hands, "I can't let anyone in, I can't lose anyone else. I don't have enough left in me to get through it."_

"_Listen, you need to stop cutting yourself off from everything. If you truly didn't care then you wouldn't stop and help every stranger that stops and asks for it. You wouldn't be worried about us enough to risk your own life to make sure we're okay. All of these things are something that Rendon Howe couldn't destroy and its because of that he will never truly defeat the Couslands." Wynne took the female Warden's hands, "Now what you have to decide is if loving him is worth the risk. You only have thirty years, so if I were you I wouldn't be wasting this opportunity."_

"Warden Commander."

Aeryn snapped back to the present and blinked wearily at Anders "What?"

The mage studied her flushed face and frowned, "You might need to take a break. There are workers who can finish this."

She shook her head, tossing the hatchet aside and rummaged around the grounds for a new one. "We're short handed as it is." She informed him. Just more things for her to worry about. They had a keep to repair, trade to restore, and peace to keep amongst the people of Amaranthinem. They had managed one trip to the city for some supplies and information. Now that information was going to lead them on a few days journey north to Knotwood Hills to investigate a nest of darkspawn. But the first thing she had to take care of were a few repairs and to look into the issue with Lord Bensley and his daughter's ransom. "So we will head out once I repair this fence. I'm hoping you and Ogrehn are finding ways to busy yourself."

"Of course. The dwarf challenged some one to a drinking contest and is now passed out under the mess table." Andres informed and was delighted that it got the Commander to smile. A moment ago she looked so sad and lost. It made him wonder what thoughts plagued her. "Do I get the utter joy of waking him?"

"If you like, just make sure no weapons are nearby. Take it from me, Orgehn is not a morning person." And with that Aeryn picked up the log and started towards the gaping hole in the fence. She was on the far south side of the keep just outside the walls where most of the houses and land had been badly damaged. After putting the fence back up, Aeryn would see about finding a way to strip the land and get it back into harvesting conditions. If they didn't get the trade flowing food would start to be scares.

Once again Aeryn was pulled from her thoughts, but this time by a leather ball rolling into her feet. Curious, she bent to pick it up as several small children of varying ages came racing across the dirt in chase of it. "Hello."

At once they all stopped and stared at her with childlike wonder and awe. After a few moments, a girl no more than five seasons stepped from the group, "Morning My lady Warden Commander."

Aeryn smiled at the way she butchered all her titles, "You can call me Aeryn." She held up the ball, "is this yours?"

"Yes, my- I mean Aeryn. We were playing a game to help pass the morning." The five year old blinked up at her. "You're very pretty."

"Well thank you." The Warden stroked a hand over the child's golden hair and couldn't help but be reminded of Alistair. Of the children they could have had. She often wondered, would they inherit their father's features and her sense of rebellion or their sense of humor. "You are very pretty yourself." She held out the ball.

The girl took it, "Will you play with us?"

"Or," A boy of about eight or nine seasons interruptedwith a small smile, "will you tell us a story?"

'A story.' It was a request her nephew had made many times even at the oddest times. Such as children it would be seem, wanting tall tales of adventure and magic just out of the blue. Now Aeryn regretted not ever telling Orhen more stories. So, much to the children's delight, she sat upon the grass leaning against the nearly built fence. "Hmm, well, let's see, what kind of story would you like to hear?"

"You!" Another boy from the crowd insisted, "Tell us the story of you, the mighty King Alistair and your band of heroes."

The mighty King and his band of heroes, oh how her companions would love to hear that were being called such things. Aeryn hadn't been one to really tell the story, there was just too much sorrow and pain. Even her own brother didn't know the entire story. Once upon a time there was a Tyrne's daughter who lived happily in a grand castle. One night the castle was over run forcing the Tyrne's daughter to flee into the night with the might Gray Warden Commander Duncan." Aeryn bit back a smile as she watched admiration and awe cross their small faces. "She was to become a Gray Warden herself along with the very handsome Knight Alistair. Together the two became the last reaming Gray Wardens in Ferlenden. They along with their companions where on a quest to stop the blight and send the Darkspawn back underground. "

She continued to tell the story of her year-long journey to kill the Archdemon. She loved watching the boys eyes go huge at the tale of the dragon guarding the Ashes and the girls smiled as she spoke of Alistair. The Warden didn't leave much out, making sure she spoke of everyone of her companions and adding in embarrassing stories to make them group laugh. The kids were hanging on Aeryn's every word as the story began to conclude.

That's how Nathaniel saw her. Surrounded by kids as she acted out the last battle with very animated gestures. She looked so feminine and soft. Nothing like the hard woman who had came down to the dungeon to deliver his fate.

"And so the mighty King Alistair," Nathaniel caught the soft hitch in her voice that went unnoticed by the children. _So the rumors were true_, he thought, watching both sadness and pride fill her beautiful face. "picked up his fallen sword, gave his love one last kiss, and delivered the final blow." Aeryn brought down her imaginary sword as if she was making the blow herself. She sensed Nathaniel, but never missed a beat. "Thus ending the blight and saving the land."

The kids cheered the ending as they all stood already fighting over who would be Alistair and her other companions. After thanking the Warden, the herd of children raced away their ball all but forgotten.

Brushing, the dirt from her hands Aeryn stood inching her hands to the rose dagger she kept tucked into the back of her belt. The moment Nathaniel stepped out of his hiding spot she sent the dagger flying and hitting the post next to him.

The rouge glanced at the dagger, "I believer your aim is off."

Aeryn lifted her cold gaze to him, the happiness the children brought her nowhere to be found. "My aim is never off, even it was it would still kill." She stalked across the grass and yanked it from the post smiling at the blood that was seeking through his tunic. "It was merely a warning." The Warden shoved the dagger into her Sheath, "You came back to kill me then? Here I thought you would sneak in the dead of night to kill me in my sleep."

"You set me free. Just let me go despite what I said." Nathaniel had lost much sleep over that act in the past week. And could bare not knowing no longer. "I want to know why."

Aeryn thought for a moment, "Because you shall not be condemned for another man's doing, I said that before and I still stand by it. Plus if you truly wanted to kill me I'm sure you could have hit me with an arrow without anyone noticing." His archery skill had always fascinated her as a child. It seemed no matter where he was or the distance he hit his target. "Now if that's all you wanted to know I'd advise you to leave before the guards find you. I do not think I can save your neck a second time. A lot of people don't think the way I do. They think all Howe's should burn."

Nathaniel had gathered that much in the little time he was gone. The name used to be praised, but now it was cursed. He almost felt like now his purpose in life was to reclaim the glory of it. "Make me a Gray Warden." He demanded starling her. "Take me with you."

"You're serious?" _What if he didn't survive the joining?_ She silently wondered while watching him closely in case this was some type of trap.

"Look, I expected to die that night, I think part of me wanted it." Then he had nothing to live for. Everything that his family had worked for was now in ruins. Now he had time to think of things and well now it was up to him to do something about it. "But you let me go. Make me a gray warden."

"You think this will be a way to bring honor back to your family name?" It would seem that Nathaniel had thought a lot about this. Still a part of her was hesitant. The man had threatened to kill her not more than a week ago. Andres and Ogrehn would surely object, but Nathaniel was a very skilled fighter. Aeryn remembered watching him and her brother in the training field all those years ago. No doubt being in the Free Marches only helped hone his skill with his bow.

"I don't know," he softly confessed, "part of me thinks it's not important. Maybe I should do my part to face the darkspawn, like my father should have done."

"Why should I trust you? It's obvious the boy I knew as a child is gone, that friendship seems to be lost."

"I don't know how I can convince you. You send me away even after I vowed to kill you, yet here I am unarmed pleading with you." Nathaniel curled his hands at his side desperate for her to accept his proposal. "Please I need to do something."

Aeryn took a long moment to consider even though she had already made up her mind. Maker help her, she prayed hoping this was the right choice. They needed men and Nathaniel was strong with many gifts. "Very well," she whispered, "we will prepare the joining for tonight."

The corner of his mouth lifted in an attempt at a smile, "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet." The Warden grumbled, "I can't make any guarantees that you will make it to the joining let alone survive it. The others will not be accepting but will trust my judgement. Hopefully you will not make me look like a fool in doing this."

"No worries on that, Commander."

"Come lets get you inside." Aeryn turned and when she didn't feel that hot searing pain of a blade she figured that was a very good sign. She just hoped that this wouldn't come back to bit her in the ass. If it did Andres would never let her hear the end of it.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Aeryn watched as Nathaniel's body hit the ground, the chalice rolling from his limp fingers. She could tell that both Andres and Ogrehn looked on hopeful that the taint had taken his life. Fearful that it had, Aeryn knelt down beside her childhood friend and checked his pulse. "He lives." She whispered much to everyone's disappointment. Well it seemed that they were just going to have to get use to it. If she could stand the thought of him fighting beside her in battle, then so should they. After all it was Aeryn who had every reason to hate the man. "Look, I know you don't like the man, but I have made my choice and as the Warden Commander you all have to accept it."

Andres clenched his jaw, "As you wish, Commander. I just pray that he won't put a knife in your back by accident."

"Let's get him up and into his chambers." Aeryn commanded to two guards instructing them to take Nathaniel to his boyhood room. She hadn't spent as much time here as Nathaniel did at Highever so she wasn't all that sure where it was. Thankfully one of the servants offered to lead the group. "I will be there shortly to check on him."

Andres and Ogrehn glared on as they removed the newest Gray Warden from the throne room. "He will need the night and day to recover. Then we shall go to the coast and deal with the ransom. I suggest you two gather the supplies you need."

"I hope you know what you're doing, commander," Ogrhen whispered, "this could come back to bite you in the ass."

"I know, but I'm having some faith that this Howe is nothing like his father, you should do that same. Now dismissed."

Once she was sure that everyone had gone, Aeryn started up the stairs with all the purposes of going to be, but some how ended up in the threshold of Nathaniel's bedroom. Now she could recall sneaking in here a few times with his sister because he had always made such a fuss about not allowing anyone but Fergus in. It really hadn't changed much from the last time. Same décor', a few more bookshelves that were of course completely lined with books, and at the end of the room was his father's big wooden desk with the Howe symbol etched into the front. The room always had the feel of belonging to an adult even when Nathaniel was very young. His father had always been strict with the boy molding him into a proper man allowing him now time to relax or have fun. Aeryn imagined that was the reason Nathaniel always escaped to Highever when permitted.

It took some self arguing before she allowed herself to step inside. The servants had placed Nathaniel on the bed and stripped him down to his breeches because the fever was starting to settle in. He was already thrashing madly in his sleep with sweat pouring off his brow. "Fetch a bowl of water and a cloth for me." Aeryn softly instructed to the lingering servant. The young girl must have been one of the few remaining Howe staff by the way she looked at the man on the bed. "He will be fine I promise. I want to help keep the fever contain, please the water."

"Yes Commander." The woman bowed and bolted out the door.

Aeryn pulled up a chair to his bedside ridding Nathaniel of the sheets that kept trapping his body. "Don't fight it." She softly whispered reaching for his hand against her better judgment. It was searing hot and damp, a feeling she remembered all to well. Thankfully Alistair stayed at her side all night helping with the fever and the dreams until it finally broke. She did the same with both Anders and Ogrhen and would stay true to it and stay with Nathaniel through the night because it was her job as Commander. Not because it hurt her to see him in such distress.

_Should I feel ashamed for not wanting him dead? _ Aeryn silently wondered doing her best to keep his brow cool with the bowl of water the servant had just set down. _To still feel for him after everything his father had done, was it right?_

Nathaniel stirred in his sleep murmuring incoherently before settling back again.

It didn't matter what anyone thought. They needed numbers the attack on the keep most of the Wardens from Orlais had been killed or dragged off to Maker knew where. He was good with a bow, poisons, and traps. All skills that we valuable and needed. Plus he seemed very genuine in trying to shake off the darkness his family name seemed to collect. Maybe they could never be friends like they once were, but they could tolerate each other while serving their oaths as Gray Wardens.

She cooled his brow again taking in his face. He was handsome, not devilishly like Zevran or boyish like Alistair, but he was breath taking. Always had been. His cheekbones were strong and his jaw firm most of the time with a frown. Aeryn always said he frowned way too much as a kid. It seemed he would only indulge in smiles at Highever when he was far away enough from his father. She was slightly amused to see that he wore two small braids in his hair that tied in the back to still hide his lock picks. The braids were gone now as his chestnut hair was mattered with sweat and fell straight to his broad shoulders.

"I think its time for a trim." The Warden spoke wringing out the cloth before blotting his face again. If memory severed her correctly, Nathaniel was a fan of the long hair his father made him grow, but always cut it before it touched his shoulder.

_Stop!_ Her mind scolded. _Stop thinking of how things were back before war tore your families apart. It can never go back to that, so just forget it._

Sighing, Aeryn took up post at the man's bedside and rode out the fever until it broke a dawn. When he began to stir she slipped silently from the room leaving no trace to her presences.

But Nathaniel woke to her scent. There was a lingering scent of lavender in the air that Aeryn had always favored since they were children. _Why would she sit by my side all night? _ He wondered recalling her soothing voice and touch as the fever and dreams raged. There was no reason for her to be doing any of this? And why was that scent making his stomach churn with need?


	3. Chapter 3

SOOOOOOOOOOO sorry about the gap between this chapter in the next. Hopefully there will be some people that will still be reading this. Anyways sorry busy work and balh blah blah all that jazz and a cherry on top. So here you go. Hopefully this doesn't sound as jumbled up as it does to me. Anyways enjoy. Oh thanks to swartzvald for being my beta on this. You're very nice even when you yell at me but I know I deserve it anyways!

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By mid afternoon Nathaniel finally found the strength to get out of the bed. The taint had left him with horrible nightmares and a fever that left his limbs feeling like lead. Oghren had brought up his breakfast, two plates full of food he was sure that he couldn't even eat half of. But sure enough, and much to the dwarf's amusement, Nathaniel inhaled it as if he hadn't eaten for a week. As he started to get dressed he could feel the changes in his body as well. It was hard to put into words, but even as weak as he was he still felt this burst of stamina and muscle that he didn't have before. _What else did the joining change?_ He silently wondered looking around at the only thing that hadn't changed. His childhood room still looked exactly like it did the last time he was here. Must have been his mother's doing, he mused dragging on a clean tunic.

He was suddenly overcome by a warm, tingling sensation; Nathaniel hunched over grasping at his chest half expecting his heart to give out. As each moment passed it grew until it was an irresistible feeling he wanted to get rid of.

"It's the taint."

Nathaniel glanced up surprised at Aeryn's sudden appearance. "What?"

"The taint," Aeryn repeated, leaning against the doorway, "it allows us to sense darkspawn, but also it helps us feel when other Grey Wardens are around. Alister and I could feel when the other was distressed or in pain."

"No element of surprise then." Nathaniel caught the puzzled look on her face, "What, you're not going to tell me that you didn't take that into consideration when you allowed me to be a Grey Warden? Now you'll be able to sense me so no more worrying about me trying to kill you."

In all honesty it hadn't even crossed her mind. She had hoped when he came to her yesterday morning that he laid to rest any plan to actually follow through on his threat. If Nathaniel truly wanted her dead, Aeryn had no doubt that she would be, or at least maimed in some way by the attempt. For some reason the moment she stepped into the dungeon the shock of finding out it was her and not Fergus that killed his father shook any plans for revenge.

"All right then." The Commander drew her prized rose dagger from her boot, flipped it handle out and offered it to Nathaniel. "Here is your chance."

Nathaniel blinked at her his hands remaining tightly at his side.

"I know the anger, the thirst your feeling for my blood. I was so obsessed with taking out my revenge that it turned me, momentarily, into some one I didn't recognize. Every day I woke wanting your father's life to pay for what he did." Aeryn forced his hand around the hilt on the dagger and placed the tip of the blade to her throat. She winced as it dug into her skin, "But mine was so much stronger because I _knew_ for a _fact _what your father did. I watched his men to terrible things to my family and his people. He was a bloodthirsty monster who needed to be stopped and if Loghian had succeeded in taking the crown your father would have done so much worse."

Nathaniel swallowed his hand trembling as if unable to bear the weight of a simple dagger. "Our families were always friends. There is no reason my father would do something like this. Not in the manner you say." Again maybe if he told himself it so much he would start believing it. Truth be told Nathaniel's father had always been jealous of Bryce Cousland for his title, respect, and sometimes his family. "He had to have a reason."

"There was no reason but one man's greed," She said with a steely glint in her eye. "He wanted my family's land and title." Aeryn felt the blade dig a little further into her skin, "I'm giving you your chance to take your revenge. I killed your father the reason doesn't seem to matter to you.. So either find a way to deal with it or just finish it here." She looked him straight in the eyes, daring him to push the knife into her throat

"Is there a problem here, Warden Commander?" Varel asked his hand already at his sword ready to fight on a moments notice.

Aeryn held up a hand for him to stand down, "No."

The blade clattered to the floor and Nathaniel stalked from the room with mixed emotions.

"No problem." Sighing, she scooped up her dagger and tucked it back into place and turned to face Veral who was just itching with something to say. "What is it?"

"It may be out of line to ask, but just what is the history with you two?"

Aeryn thought for a moment and just shrugged, "Nothing more then childhood friends."

In the mess, Anders was trying to draw out an answer from Nathaniel to the same question. "Am I sensing some history between you and the Commander?" Anders asked holding up his hand before the rouge could jump down his throat, "You know I mean beside the fact that your father killed hers and she killed yours?"

"If there was a history it is no longer relevant." Nathaniel grumbled jabbing at his food with more force then necessary. Why didn't he kill her? The question was burning in his mind as he drowned out the conversation of his lunch companions. Aeryn had given him the opportunity he had failed to achieve and when it came down to it he couldn't push his hand forward. Why? Was it because of some childhood fascination he seem to still have for her? Was he that weak of a man he couldn't even avenge his father because matters of the heart? Or is that what separate Nathaniel from his father?

"Time for training!" Aeryn shouted from the threshold already fastened in her gear with weapons at the ready. "You too Howe, resting time is over, darkspawn don't kill themselves you know. Oghren! Stop with the drinking, we had a deal!"

The dwarf grumbled and reluctantly put the pint down, "Yes Commander. Come on Sparkle Fingers let's get going before she gets annoyed. Then we won't be able to walk back for dinner."

Anders grinned, "At least I can always try charming my way out of trouble. You on the other hand, my foul smelling friend, have nothing to use to your advantage." The mage glanced at their newest companion. "Lets go see if you're worth keeping alive."

Sneering, Nathaniel followed the duo out to the training grounds. The area was already alive with activity with guards sparing and villagers being taught the proper use of using a weapon. Most of the later looked scared out of their mind.

Sensing his question, Aeryn took the liberty of answering it, "Every person must now how to defend themselves." She explained. "It gives them a small chance to survive."

Nathaniel caught the sadness in her voice and thought better to change the subject, "I forfeited my bow and weapons as a condition, can I get them back or am I suppose to fight the Darkspawn with my witty sense of humor."

Despite herself, Aeryn laughed, "sense of humor?" She chocked back a sob of laughter pressing a hand to her mouth so she could gather her composure. "As entertaining as that might be, I will not ask such a thing from you. In fact I have something for you. IT needs mending, but I figured you'd want it all the same."

"My grandfather's bow." With Emotions over flowing, Nathaniel ran a caressing hand down the length of the wood. The family crest was a bit faded and the bow was indeed of repair, but other then that it was in decent shape for its age. Nathaniel judged he would be able to wield it with in a day or two with the right tools.

"I found it." The Warden found her tongue heavy as she watched the emotions running free on his handsome face. Nathaniel usually kept them well guarded. For one fleeting moment, Aeryn felt like she was a girl again and was over joyed she brought some happiness to a childhood friend. "I also found some letters that your sister wrote-."

And just like that all traces of happiness were gone. He lifted his gaze to hers his jaws clenched, "My sister? Just how did you come by those?"

"She must have left them here. You honestly think I would hurt your sister?" Aeryn was almost by the accusation. "I still think of her as the sister I never had. I know nothing of her fate. I just found the letters. I haven't read them and you're more then welcome to them once we are done here. Hopefully you might find some answers in them."

Nathaniel forced himself to relax once he noticed that Orgehn and Anders were standing at the ready. "Thank you." He chewed out the words with as little bitterness as he could manage.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The trip to Forlorn Cove was very uneventful. Even the random exchange was a little disappointing. The moment Aeryn introduced herself half the kidnappers ran as fast as they could across the bridge leaving the odds in their favor. Eileen was insistent she could make it back on her own, but the poor girl was jumping at her own shadow. So much to some of her companion's disapproval, they would detour from their original plan of exploring Knotwood Hills and take her back safely.

However the journey back was becoming more and more troublesome. For the third time in the last few hours, the Wardens drew their blade this time finding themselves pitted against Darkspawn instead of bandits.

"Stay back." Nathaniel growled at the girl releasing his first arrow into the small horde of creatures.

"Protect her." Aeryn instructed as the three remaining Wardens charged.

Cursing, Nathaniel pivoted keeping Eileen behind himself as he notched another arrow. It flew and he reloaded with in the next breath, a movement that had become like breathing. The Darkspawn were a bit disorganized making it easy for the Rogue to pick the surrounding ones off without putting his companions in danger. Having them think he purposely shot at them wasn't something he needed at the moment. "Mage down!"

Anders dropped just in time to feel the breeze of the arrow passing by his face before it stuck Genlock Assassin that had materialized unnoticed beside him. "Don't think that makes you my friend."

"Wouldn't dream of it." Nathaniel's gaze cut across the field to the dwarf briefly amazed by the strength he possessed to wield such a large weapon. "Another group coming from the east."

But his announcement went unheard by Aeryn as she became surrounded by the remaining darkspawn.

"Commander!"

Aeryn whirled tearing both blades across the darkspawn's torso as she prepared to block the blow of the next one. It wasn't fast enough. The sudden explosion of pain had the female warden stumbling and open for a killing blow. One breath, that's all it took for her to realize this was it. In a single breath, she found herself cursing the maker for taking her before her mission was done. In that moment, Aeryn wished she could see her brother one more time. In the course of a single heartbeat, she embraced her fate and was ready to enter the fade. She found herself closing her eyes hoping when she opened them again she would find Alistair smiling back at her.

Nathaniel notched another arrow sending it flying into the throat of an attacking darkspwn. He was running before it's lifeless body hit the ground. Anders and Oghren were too far away and there was no way he would be able to get a shot off without taking Aeryn out as well. Oddly enough the thought was enough to chill his blood. He would figure out what it meant later.

Aeryn felt to tip of the blade, a jerk of a nearby body, and then she was falling. After hitting the ground and getting the wind knocked out of her by an unfamiliar weight, she opened her eyes and it wasn't Alastair's witty smile staring at her but Nathaniel Howe's concerned face. Feeling his breath hot on her cheek and his body pressed so intimately against her own sent a shiver down her spine. Were his eyes always so clear? Aeryn silently wondered.

Pushing his weight onto one hand, he turned their faces brushing noses. "Are you hurt?" Nathaniel demanded finding it impossible to remove himself from her piercing gaze anytime soon. Looking back, he always had a weakness for her eyes.

"It will take more than a small pack of darkspwn to take me down." Aeryn found herself smiling when Nathaniel showed no signs of getting up. "Are you comfortable?" Humor danced at the edge of her voice when he finally realized one of his hands had fallen on her breast. "Can I get you a pillow maybe?"

Horrified that he found himself aroused, Nathaniel wrenched himself to his feet and slung his bow over his body. He did his damned not to notice the way Oghren was trying not to laugh. "That all of them?"

Anders shook his fingers as if needing to cool them off. "Looks like it."

"Help me up." Aeryn grumbled and begrudgingly Nathaniel offered her a hand. A wave of dizziness caused her to sway and grip the rouge's shoulder to remain upright.

"Aeryn." Nathaniel grasped her waist concern creasing his features. Beneath the muck and blood, she was pale and bruised. "Aeryn!"

The Commander blinked at him as if he suddenly sprouted a second head. There was something about the way her name fell from her lips had her heart fluttering. _No this wouldn't do._ Then the world went black.

Anders watched Aeryn go limp against Nathaniel and launched himself forward. "What did you do?" The mage demanded taking the female Warden and resisting the urge to blast the rouge with some wizard fire.

Nathaniel glared, "I didn't do anything."

Still weary, Anders laid Aeryn gently on the clear patch of grass to examine her. There was a small puncture wound to her side and a small wound to her neck, but nothing to major. "Poison?"

Because he was an expert, Nathaniel bent down to sniff the wound at her neck. "Yes, but it's not anything I've seen before." The wound wasn't more than half an inch deep and it already spread into her blood stream affecting the functions of her organs. "We need to get back to the keep now!"

Anders watched intrigued as Nathaniel gently picked up Aeryn with a crossed expression on his face. He wondered if it was the close proximity to the Cousland or the fact he was truly concerned about her safety. Or maybe it was both. It was something the Mage wanted to pursue once they got Aeryn back to the keep. "There is no way we can make it on foot."

Frantic, Nathaniel scanned their surroundings and spotted a farm not too far. There had to be a horse there somewhere. "You two take Eileen back." He readjusted his hold on Aeryn before he took of sprinting.

0o0o0o0o0o0oo00o0o0o0o0o0o

Nathaniel couldn't really recall how he made it back to the keep. Time was measured in heartbeats as he drove the horse as fast as he could with a lifeless Aeryn draped across his lap. All he was aware of that as each heart beat passed her face lost more color spiking a fear in h is he couldn't will away. The keep came into view and he felt a small ounce of hope,

"Just stay with me." He muttered dismounting from the horse before it came to a complete stop.

Calling for help, Nathaniel gently lowered the Commander to the ground, too weak from his own injuries to tackle the stairs. But not a moment his arms left her, he was being yanked back by strong hands and finding himself looking down several blades. "What are you doing!" Nathaniel demanded fighting to get free to get the attention back to Aeryn's condition. "She needs a healer! Poison-."

A blade biting into his neck silenced the Rogue. "What did you do to her?"

Nathaniel blinked at Varel, "what?" It took a moment for his mind to stop racing and that was just about the time he was being cuffed once again. "Listen I didn't do it. We were attacked-."

Varel wanted to hear no more, "take him to the dungeon." He commanded to the small group of guards, "take his weapons and strip him of his armor. Once I get some answers we will deal with him."

"Look," Nathaniel fought for a few more moments of the man's time. "I had to ride a head of the others or she was going to die. And she is going to die if you don't get a damn Healer for Maker's sake!"

And then came a sharp pain to the back of his head followed by blackness.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Aeryn found herself surrounded by a very familiar scene. Smiling, she raced over to sit on a log position in front of a dying campfire and a few tens. It mirrored the campsite she had spent so much time during the blight. A place that held so many memories of laughter and friendship. Aeryn knew instantly it was the fade, but that didn't stop her from allowing the memories to flood and warm her.

"Maker's breath."

Aeryn turned and grinned. Alistair, dressed in a pair of simple leggings and tan tunic, stood before her smiling like a complete idiot she knew and loved. "Some how I still hoped you'd be dressed in that full royal gear you loved so much. Still fighting invisible darkspwn and demanding cheese?"

The former King of Fereldon dropped down beside her and engulfed her in his monstrous embrace laughing at their first meeting here after his death. To help comfort her, Alistair made up a few joke and embarrassing stories to keep her laughing and instead of crying. "Always hated that damn thing. Was always too bulky and hard to move in. The only good thing about it was taking it off." He grinned at the woman in his arms. "Especially when a certain lovely woman would help with the process."

"Maker's knickers I miss you." She pressed her face to his throat and had to recall his earthly male scent. The bad thing about the fade was that everything was so faint including touches. Alistair's had always been so warm, not it felt like a wisp against her skin. Well it was better then nothing, plus she had the memories to fill in what wasn't there. "I hate you."

"So you've told me the last dozen or so times we've met here.' The first night had been after his death. He remembered that night and was sure that if it was possible Aeryn would have killed him again. There had been a lot of yelling and tears on both parts. Aeryn refused to leave the fade and for a small selfish moment, he didn't want her to either. Then surprising them both, he became the voice of reason. "But now we won't get into that will we."

Aeryn glared at him, 'There is a lot of nasty things I would like to say to you. Did you hear they made me Warden Commander! Me!"

"So I think they made a great choice!" Alistair assured. "Look how well I did at leading! I died, you are a far better choice."

"But I could use your help, Alistair. Look at the good we did together!" Aeryn demanded. "Everyone is looking at me to do so much and I don't think I can do it. They see me as the hero of Ferldeon, when it was you that delivered the final blow. Not me." Aeryn rubbed her brow in frustration, "I'm suppose to rebuild the order, I know that. But how can I ask people to take the joining that might kill them and if they survive they will have thirty years at best before they go insane from the taint? For the last two years or so there has been nothing but death, how can I continue to add to it?"

Alistair sighed not having a good answer for her. Part of him wondered how Duncan lived with the same knowledge.

"And what of Nathaniel?" Aeryn wondered, "Did I do the right thing with letting him live?" The question came out of nowhere, but something was just nagging at her so she had to ask. Alistair would never lie to her, even the fade version of Alistair.

"You shouldn't doubt yourself, Aeryn." Alistair insisted, "You have a hard time putting faith into your ability of Warden Commander."

Aeryn threw up her hands in frustration, "Because I didn't plan on this happening. None of this." That included losing her family, becoming a Gray Warden, falling in love, questing with odd sorts of people, slaying the Archdemon, and losing Alistair. She sure in the hell didn't plan being thrust into such a high position with so much riding on her shoulders at twenty-one years.

Alistair's brow dropped, "You regret it?"

"What? No!" Aeryn shouted grasping his hands to her chest, "Maker no! I don't regret one moment in the last two years because if I regretted even one it wouldn't have lead me to many I call my friends. And most importantly it wouldn't have lead me to you."

A war of emotions crossed his handsome face making him look completely confused. A look that Morgan always liked to point out to make him even more flustered. "And I went and left you." He reached a hand to her face as if wiping away her invisible tears. "I'm sorry, Aeryn I truly am."

"I'm a firm believer in that there is a road laid out for everyone, weather by the Maker or something else. I went through all this heart ache because there is some purpose to it." She had to believe that or else she would have gone mad by now.

"Then why are you questioning your choice to spare Nathaniel's life?" Alistair asked, "You said so yourself that a man shall not be condemned by the sins of his father."

The warden dropped her gaze, "I know and I do believe that. I know Nathaniel had no part in what his father did." She felt Alistair's faint touch tighten as the memory washed over both of them. If she ever found out that Nathaniel did in fact had some part in it, he would meet the same fate as his father. And Maker help him when he finally learned the true horrors that happened that night at Highever. "The others are questioning my judgment and if it's putting a strain on our ability to work together. Plus -." She trailed off fighting for the right words.

The corner of his mouth twitched, "What?"

"I don't know, it's just when he's around things get a bit confusing."

"Ah."

Aeryn heard the humor in his voice, "Ah?"

The ex Templar smiled this time, "Yes, ah."

She jerked away, "Ah? Is that all you have to say is ah?"

"What would you like me to say?" Alistair wondered arching a brow at her expression. "Would you like me to run around the fade screaming at you for having feelings for some one else."

"Damn it yes I mean I-wait I never said I had feelings for him." Aeryn defended, seething when he all he did was grin at her.

"Well I'm sorry, but it will be entirely too selfish of me to want you to remain alone until it's your time to join me here." He could tell by the way her brow knitted that this wasn't what she expected to hear. "You deserve to be happy and if that means loving someone else then who I am to tell you not to. You gave me the best year of my life, Aeryn. Even with the constant battles and brushes with death, my time with you was the only joyous times I had."

"That is how I felt with you."

"And in the past year you've just been going through the motions. You've told me this much. All I want for you is to be happy again."

"I don't want to be that happy again with anyone."

"You're just saying that because the person who is stirring up these feelings is a Howe."

"No." Aeryn corrected. Well not entirely. She wouldn't say she was in love with Nathaniel, but there was defiantly something stirring. Every time he was close she felt this animalistic pull that was becoming harder to ignore. "When you died you took a part of me with you that I'm not sure I'll ever get back. If I give what is left and it I lose that person I don't think I can move on."

"It's worth the risk, Aeryn." Alistair tried to explain, "You have given up so much in such a short time. Take what happiness you can find."

Mindlessly, Aeryn poked at the fire with her stick, "I had feelings for him once, a girl hood crush." She felt the smile trying to break through her voice. "I think he felt the same. We shared a dance at Harvesting Day."

"Did you murder his feet as you did mine?"

"Even worse." She laughed at the memory.

"so you two shared just a dance?"

"Well he stole a kiss and I punched him for it."

Alistair nearly fell over with laughter. "I am so glad I did not evoke the same response the first time I kissed you."

"I was a young then. I didn't know how to deal with the way the kiss made me feel so I did what I thought I should do." She shrugged, "Didn't put him off though. The next day when he said his good bye he made some charming comment, winked, and rode away with a nice shiner."

"He is not his father."

"I know. I just I don't know." Aeryn threw the stick aside, "I will never stop loving you, you know."

"I know." He echoed her words. "But if he or any other man truly cares about you they will love you enough to not make you forget those feelings."

"Nothing can ever happen between us." Maybe if she said it enough times the hunger for him would go away. "Plus I still think he wants to kill me."

"If that's what you think." Alistair smiled when she rested her head on his shoulder, "You know you have to go back some time soon. Hiding in the fade isn't exactly like Aeryn Cousland."

Aeryn sighed, "I know. I just want a few more moments I can with you since I know after this you're going to do the 'noble' thing again and leave me be for a bit."

O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Nathaniel was wrenched from his sleep by the loud shriek of the cell door opening. Before his eyes could adjust to the light, he felt some one tugging at the cuff on his raw wrist. "Time for another beating?"

"No." Anders released the cuff and it hit the floor with a loud thud jolting the rouge fully awake. Anger, a feeling he wasn't all that a costumed to, tore through him when he looked that Nathaniel's face. Only a few short hours had past since Nathaniel raced of with Aeryn, then he a bit of mud on his face but other wise uninjured. Now his face was discolored, bloody, and swollen. Some of the wounds had sealed shut while the others were still bleeding risking infection. Nathaniel had been stripped down to his riding britches revealing that the rest of him was in just as bad shape.

The corner of Nathaniel's mouth curved into what was suppose to be a smile, it was hard to deal with all the swelling. "Wow I must be bad if you're not jabbering away." He coughed, winced, and fell back to weak to maintain a sitting position any longer. "How long have I been out?"

"You left us only three hours ago maybe four at the most." Anders watched this disbelief flash across his face, "I'm sorry, Nathaniel. We had to take Eileen back, if we knew."

Nathaniel opened his good eyes, "Is the Commander all right." He dare not speak her name afraid his voice would betray him.

The question was laced with emotions that left Anders wondering just what kind of relationship the two had before. "She's resting. The healers are still trying to figure out the exact potion, but she's doing okay. It took everything out of her and they don't expect her to wake for a couple days. Here." Anders pressed a vial into the man's hand, "A healing draft. It will at least make it so you'll be able to hold yourself up. I can do more healing once we get you cleaned up."

The simple glass vial weighed as much as a sword to Nathaniel and it took all his strength to knock it back. "You were so sure I was the one responsible for this a few hours ago."

"And I was wrong, but don't go thinking this means I completely trust you." Anders helped the injured man to his feet, "Let's get you cleaned up."

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next chapter will come up soon I promise.

Look below you see that button below that says review? Press it because you know you want to! Come on do it :D


	4. Chapter 4

I know it's been a lifetime since I updated so I'm hoping they're are people still around to read this. I didn't mean to let this story just stop, but my father passed in December and well until just recently it left me with a huge creative block in my writing. So i started back up this story because writing fan fiction helps me move those blocks to get back to my own original writing I do. So please enjoy and I know it sucks! Not writing for like 5 months will to that :P

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Aeryn awoke to a pair of hushed voice. Her eyes fluttered open and was blinded by a harsh light before they drifted closed again. They didn't open for quite some time. Her entire body ached and felt like she had lead for limbs. Aeryn hadn't felt this bad since the final battle of the blight.

"Get your cat off me." Nathaniel grumbled in his usual gruff tone.

"Oh don't pay any attention to Mr. Grumpy." Anders cooed and the cat let out a small meow of displeasure towards the rouge before stalking off.

"Guess he's a tad upset that the poison didn't finish me off." Aeryn's voice had both men jumping up from their seats. Or at least that's what it sounded like since she couldn't find the strength to open her eyes again.

Nathaniel set his jaw and said nothing. He didn't trust himself.

Anders moved to the Commander's bedside to take her hand. The pulse was strong and the color was slowly returning to her face. In another day or two the bruises would fade and she be good as new. "Well Commander." The Mage ignored Nathaniel's low growl. "Nathaniel here is the only reason you're alive. I couldn't heal you, the poison wasn't something either of us had ever experienced. He was able to wrangle a hose and race you back to the keep."

With a surprise gasp, Aeryn's eyes flew open finding Nathaniel staring at her intently. "You did?"

Nathaniel jerked his shoulder and stalked from the room with out an explanation. What could he even say if he wanted to. There was no way in hell he was going to tell her the way his heart wrenched as he rode with her limp and lifeless in his arms. After spending time by her beside, Nathaniel had convinced himself that all these feelings were result of the taint and nothing more.

'Excuse him. I think the lack of sleep has made him cranky." Anders smiled, "well more then normal."

"How long have I been out?" Aeryn tried to sit up only for her body to give out. She wasn't used to be so weak and asking for help.

Sensing it, Anders helped her settle into a sitting position and went to fetch a glass of water. "Tonight will mark the fourth day." He informed balancing the cup when her grip fumbled. "The poison was nasty, it may take a few days to get your strength back.."

"I feel like I've been trampled by a horde of darkspawn." Aeryn drained the glass and still found her throat dry. "Hopefully I don't look as bad."

"Never could." The mage assured with a crooked smile that reminded her oddly of Zavern. "I wouldn't lie when I saw you go down I thought he finally made good on his threat. I was already to do my happy dance."

"But?"

"I think you're right and say that he is not his father."

When Aeryn finally made it down into the main hall later that night her mind was reeling from pain and confusion. Nathaniel had stayed by her side for a good amount of time while she was out. He even took over her duties to ensure that everything continued to operate smoothly. Why by the Maker's breath would he do such a thing? She was a Cousland and less then three weeks ago he had broken into the keep with the soul purpose of ending her life. Now Aeryn had no clue what to think when it came to Nathaniel Howe. And then there was the whole matter of the way she felt when he spoke her name.

"You shouldn't be on your feet."

Aeryn whirled, cursed, and braced a hand against the wall to keep herself upright. "I spent the last four days off my feet." She forced her eyes to focus on his face and was taken aback by his appearance. His face was still discolored with a few healing wounds and unshaven. Nathaniel had always looked so well groomed and well dressed. But here Nathaniel stood in riding breeches and a loose tunic that allowed bruises and wounds to peak out from beneath it. Aeryn tried to remember if he looked this bad before everything went black.

"Look at you." Nathaniel marched down the hall and took her roughly by the arm. "You can barely stand! You're going back to bed."

"Hey! Remember who is in charge here." Still, Aeryn found herself being dragged. She scowled at his hand, "Will you stop treating me like a child. I'm fine."

"I'm treating you like a child because you're acting like one." To prove his point he released her and watched her stumble.

Aeryn caught herself gracefully and held her chin high challenging his gaze. Once again those damn eyes of his had her breath caught in her throat. _Stop it!_ She silently scolded wondering if these thoughts would even be in her head if damn Alistair hadn't said anything in the fade. "I am fine." She mustered after a few moments, "and very hungry."

Nathaniel set his jaw to keep himself from scolding any further. In truth why was he so concerned about her safety in the first place? All she was to him was his commander, nothing more. So why was he having a hard time believing himself? "I'll help you to the dining hall."

The Female Warden jerked her arm before he could touch her again, "I can make it on my own, Howe." To prove herself, Aeryn forced herself to put one foot in front of the other with out the support of the wall. The pain was unbearable, but she masked her face and successfully made it to the end of the hall. Wanting to rub it in, she turned but the look of intent on his face laced with worry had any and all witty remarks dying on the tip of her tounge. "Anders told me you sat with me." Aryen waited a breath for him to react. Of course he remained silent. "Thank you."

Nathaniel nodded and let her walk away.

"It's good to see you up and about Commander." The cook smiled as she put a big helping together for the Warden, taking in consideration that she hadn't eaten anything solid in three days.

Despite the aching in her bones, Aeryn smiled at the woman. She couldn't help but be reminded of her Nan by the way the cook seemed to fuss over her and the other Wardens. "I'm glad to be out of the damn bed."

The cook smiled warmly at her as she set down two plates, "I'll leave you some more if you wish-."

"Please this is fine. I could have done this myself, you didn't need to trouble yourself at this late hour. Back at Highever, I always had Nan yelling at me for snooping in the kitchen." The memory made the young woman's face light up. Those times seemed so long ago. Just like when she looked at herself in the looking glass and saw a middle aged woman not one of barely twenty two seasons. The constant strain of traveling and battles obviously hadn't been good to her.

She caught the sadness in the Warden's voice and reached to touch her hand. "You are truly a great person, my lady. You have lost so much and you didn't let it break you. I am proud to serve you and help rebuild this place and watch you restore such a sacred order. We owe you and Alistair so much."

Aeryn found tears swarming in throat leaving her unable to speak. She could only smile as the cook left her alone to her thoughts.

Nathaniel found her some time later still lost in thought with a plate of untouched food. Sighing, he pulled up a chair and gave the plate a little nudge, "Eat."

His voice startled her out of the trance, "What?" She blinked and looked down, "Oh, right."

"Do you miss him?"

"Miss who?" Aeryn asked unsure about the question since there was no sting behind it.

"Alistair." Nathaniel picked at her food helping himself. "You kept murmuring his name while you were unconscious. Cursed him a few times."

Aeryn felt the corner of her mouth lift at the thought, "A... bad habit I seem to have."

It was the first time he ever recalled seeing her truly smile since he joined her ranks. A truely heartfelt smile that reached her eyes, lighting them up until they danced in the dim light. There was no way to prepare for the sudden blow of heat that coiled in his gut. Oh Maker, he silently cursed, forcing himself to look away before he did something stupid. "There were rumors that you two were lovers. That if he had survived that you'd be our new queen."

"Maybe. I don't think we truly thought that far ahead to be honest. We were lovers and I did-do love him. And to answer your question, I do miss him. A part of me always will. For the longest time all we had was each other in a world full of chaos. He was always able to make me laugh even when I didn't want to, that is the thing I miss the most." Aeryn sighed remembering all those late night giggle fests they had in between love making. They lost count how many times they were yelled at for waking one of their sleeping companions. "He was a great man and Warden. He would have made a great King. One Ferelden needed."

"You were with him in the fade?"

"Yes." Her smile faltered for a moment, "Noble bastard was telling me to move on. To stop denying myself happiness."

They fell into a comfortable silence as they both ate until there wasn't a crumb left.

"You realized that we just had a civilized conversation, right?"

The corner of his mouth twitched but he never managed a smile, "Things will go back to normal in the morning."

"I'm sure of it."

Nathaniel reached for the plate, "I'll clean up, you get some rest."

"What is this?" Aeryn caught his hands before he could hide them under the table. She yanked back his sleeve to examine the blood soaked bandages. Her emotions went from confused, to worry, and then to anger. She had assumed that his injuries were from the battle, but this told her differently. "You lied to me."

Nathaniel tried to free his hands, but it was no use. "It's nothing." He repeated hating the way her hands felt soft in his. There were so small as well, his massive ones dwarfed them and yet them seem to be fit together.

"Tell me what happened."

Nathaniel set his jaw refusing to speak.

Frustrated, Aeryn rounded the table sitting next to him and forcing him to finally look at her face. "I want to know what happened, Nathaniel." She used his first name hoping to invoke a reaction from him.

"They thought I poisoned you." He confessed feeling her fingernails bite into his palms. "I don't blame them, they were the same men that captured me on the first night I was here. I rode a head of the others and well things just got carried away."

"Carried away?" Temper flared in her crystal blue eyes. The swelling had gone down, but his face was still discolored and wounded. "They chained and beat you? They had no right!"

Something flickered in his eyes. Regret maybe, Aeryn couldn't really define it.

"They lost loved ones at Highever and here under my father's rule." Nathaniel softly replied finally dropping his gaze from her. Whenever he thought back to that night it ignited a war inside him. The more time Nathaniel spent trying to convince himself his father's actions were justified the more he was coming to realize that the man was indeed a monster.

Surprising them both, Aeryn took his face in her callused hands. The roughness of his jaw sent a shiver down her spine, "It does not give them right to punish you. Tell me honestly right now, did you KNOW what your father was planning?"

"No." He answered his eyes locked on hers. He could feel her hot breath on his cheek making his head start to buzz. It was all too tempting to lean over and press his mouth to hers to see if she still tasted the same.

"Then this will not go unpunished. You're trying to redeem your family name, people should respect that and know you are not accountable for your father's actions."

"Let it go, I beg you." Nathaniel asked grasping her wrist to withdraw from her touch. It was sure to follow in his dreams tonight. "Rest, Commander. I will see you in the morning."

And just like that his tone was cold and his guard was up. _So much for progress_, Aeryn nodded and finished her meal alone with thousands of thoughts racing through her mind. Her pulse still humming from his touch.

Overexcited for the first time in a year, Nathaniel stormed into the room just moments after knocking not waiting for an answer. "I just heard great news! My sister-." He trailed off stopping in his tracks at finding Aeryn tying her armor in place. "What do you think you're doing?"

Aeryn looked up from her leather cuffs with a bemused look on her face, "I think it's quite obvious what I am doing Nathaniel. But in case you've been struck dumb over night, I am gearing up for our adventurers today. I hope you don't have the disillusion that this is going to be a simple walk about the land." Smiling, she reached for her leggings next doing her damnedest not to show one ounce of pain on her face. Unfortunately there was no helping to hide the stiffness of her body. The only way to get rid of it was to work it out and what better way then fighting darkspawn. No pain no gain, as Alistair would say. "You said something about your sister. Good news I hope."

"Right yes," Thinking of his sister his mind wandered back to the reason that brought him up here. "I ran into the ground keeper and to my delight told me that my sister is indeed alive and living in Amaranthine."

"Nate that's great!" Aeryn couldn't help but use his childhood nick name because for that one moment he looked happy and reminded her so much of the boy she knew before. "We need to head there for some supplies so we shall leave today so you can see her."

Nathaniel grabbed at her chest piece before she could pick it up. He wasn't sure if it was manly pride of seeing a woman hurt that he wanted to protect her or if it was those genuine feelings Nathaniel kept denying he had. "You're not going anywhere, Commander."

The coldness was like a slap to the face and had Aeryn arching her back ready to fight. "Excuse me." She made a grab for the piece of armor and missed it by inches. "Remember who is in charge here, now I order you to give it to me and stop acting so childish."

"I'm acting childish?" He nearly laughed but he caught the glimmer of temper in her crystal eyes. "You're the one who can follow simple orders. I believe that the healer said you should consider resting for a few more days. You nearly died."

"Thank you, I remember that bit." Aeryn lunged for the armor, tripping over one of Nathaniel's boots and almost ended up sprawling face first on the floor. Growling, she whirled letting out a cry of triumph when her elbow caught the rouge in the eyes, "Not to bad if I say so myself, defiantly don't need any more rest so give it here before I hurt you more."

"That was a lucky hit." Nathaniel defended balancing his weight on the balls of his feet preparing himself this time around. Stopping her wasn't easy when he was ready. Nathaniel shifted to catch her wrist only to have her hand slam into the side of his head. Cursing, they moved beat for beat matching each other's stride as if they were dancing instead of fighting. By some miracle, the Archer managed to keep a firm grip on the piece of armor and found that a small victory even if he couldn't seem to find an opportunity to get a nice stopping strike on his Commander.

Panting, Aeryn cursed at the feeling of her arm being twisted behind her back as Nathaniel's managed to trap her free hand against her breast before she could get another hit in. The were pressed together so close that Aeryn was aware of every muscle in his body causing an unwanted wave of desire to hit her hard. She twisted her head to find his face dangerous close to hers. "Your mouth is bleeding."

Nathaniel grinned, "So is yours."

They didn't know who moved first, neither wanted to admit it really. With their mouths fused together, Aeryn twisted so she was flush against him with her hands buried in his hair. Armor forgotten, Nathaniel shoved her against the wall devouring her doing his best to burn her taste into his memory. How many nights had he lain awake thinking about her during his time with the Free Marches haunted by a kiss that had gotten him a solid right hook. But that one small sample had been enough to ignite a thousand fantasies for the years to follow. So if the same outcome was to come of this, Nathaniel was going to get his fill before she came to her senses.

She should have pulled away. Aeryn knew this was wrong in so many ways, yet she couldn't seem to find the will to stop. Everywhere he touched started a fire that was mounting into an uncontrollable blaze. Wanting, no needing more, Aeryn hitched herself around his hip settling herself perfectly over his arousal. Oh maker help her, but she wanted him.

Growling, Nathaniel's hands streaked over her body memorizing every curve. She had filled out very nicely since he had last seen her and in all the right places it seemed. His fingers just snaked under her tunic when he heard the creek of the door causing him to still and curse.

"Commander oh-." The maid Elf froze at seeing the pair wrapped so intimately together.

Aeryn couldn't seem to tear her gaze from Nathaniel's as it bore into her. His dark eyes were swirling with desire, confusion, and slight disapproval. Either for their act or the elf she wasn't sure. Very slowly, she untangled herself so she stood once again on shaky legs. Nathaniel gave her one long look before rushing from the room leaving her to deal with the embarrassment. "Did you need something?" Aeryn asked rubbing her lips secretly memorizing the taste.

"Yes umm." The elf shifted uncomfortable not sure whose face was redder. "Your companions asked me to check on you and said if you're still too weak the trip to the city can wait."

"No." Aeryn picked up the chest piece shaking her mind clear, "No will you please tell them I will be down in a moment."

The elf nodded and started for the door.

"If you please, would you keep this-."

The elf gave the Warden a slight smile, "of course commander."

Oh maker this was just great! If her companions got wind of this they would never let her hear the end of it. Epically the damn Dwarf, he was ready with a witty remark once she and Alistair were together. Cursing, Aeryn braced her hands against the desk. How could she feel this way about a Howe?

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Hope it wasn't to bad. Please read and review if you could to let me know that I don't totally suck. swartzvald no need for you to do that you're yelling at me while you look over it for me is enough to let me know! :D thanks for sticking with me and my horrible grammar and spelling!


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